OBAMA TO ADDRESS JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS

GOP plans to play speech backwards, see if it says "Paul is dead".

REPORT OF COUGAR CLOSES SEATTLE PARK

CLOSURE TO BE LIFTED TOMORROW EXCEPT FOR MEN UNDER 30 YEARS OF AGE. STORY

TOWN HALLS REVEAL COUNTRY HAVING HISSY FIT

COUNTRY HAS TANTRUM. ENTIRE NATION TO BE PUT ON A "TIME OUT", SENT TO THEIR ROOM.